I’ll be stupid if that’s what caring means.
since high school, i’ve had this terrible habit of never sleeping. I stay awake all night, until 3, 4, even 5 the next morning, pass out until 11ish, do it again, every night. I told myself “insomnia…. yeah, that’s probably the root of it.” Tonight, as I’m laying down, mad at… who… only God knows.. at this point I’m just overall bitter.. but as I’m laying down, I’ve been analyzing myself, my past, my present, trying to sort through and arrange my thoughts… then it finally hits me.. I have never been able to sleep because my mind is so cluttered with thoughts dying to be spilled out, dreams waiting to be fulfilled, wishes that probably won’t come true. It explains the excessive tweeting, my endless rants regarding my theories and perceptions of every aspect of life… my body says, “how can you fall asleep, when your mind is wide awake and racing?”
i figure it would be nice to converse with someone about anything.. anything that comes to mind.. jokes, “this is what happened todays”, fears, accomplishments, and just simple discussion… that or a trip to the therapist.
I’m in a constant battle with myself over whether I am happy or not. See I’m content with myself, content alone.. shit I’ve been alone for going on almost a year and a half, and when I HAD someone, I was still technically alone anyway. LOL Your thoughts become you, and I try hard not to be so negative, not to be so demanding, not to expect so much that my expectations are overbearing, not to catch feelings, not to stress those things that I have no control over. I’m am not bitter, but I am changed. I no longer possess the innocence of the “unknown”.. I witness things everyday, some good, majority bad, I see friends that take advantage of one another, lovers that betray each other, small lies, great lies. I’ve seen the happiest of couples turn to strangers that cannot bare the sight or thought of one another, I’ve seen best friends turn to lovers, bestfriends fucking with their bestfriend’s lover, So many things I can’t even name them all, but I am learning to see the beauty in all that surrounds me, learning to appreciate receiving another day to breathe. But seeing those things, it changes you, it changes your perception of people and situations. Personally, I have this great wall up, the one in china is no competition.. this wall up against love and building new bonds, I feel as though men only pursue me with sexual intentions, it is difficult for me to put my trust into a man because all I am accustomed to is disappointment, hurt, heartbreak, hence I expect the same from them all. Every time I find interest in a person, there’s always a conflict of interest. He’s boring, he lacks intelligence, he’s loose, he lacks morals, or he has a “situation”, one almost becomes impatient with this process of meeting someone to find they aren’t the right someone for you. I get SICK of the hi, I’m so and so’s.. tell me about yourself… i’m sick of the dating.. i’m sick of the telling me shit just because I’d like to hear it… but in contrast to all this talk of “walls being up” my heart desires so much….
media is depressing, for it shows love in a light that truly does not exist. Hence, I have this false illusion that one day I’ll meet this perfect beautiful man for me and he’ll treat me like the only girl in the world. But is that truly unattainable? I figure, if this is something I desire, out of the billions of people in the world, there must be many that desire the same exact thing. So do i settle for a peasant, or wait around on this so-called “non-existing prince charming”?
all the while i ask myself… why is all of this always in my head…..
after you’ve been heartbroken and disappointed so many times, your heart just seems to lust for and desire something real… something lasting and worthwhile, something that will change your perspective on differentiating topics, something you can bring home to family, something that never leaves tears in your eyes, a little piece of happiness.
Me & Alex Serra covering “Ex-Factor” (Lauren Hill)
I miss when Lupe was a sophisticated hood nigga
Artist Profile: Miguel Jontel
@Yvnnie - Rihanna, “Stay” vocal/guitar (by Tatiana Snead)
well i weighed the pros and cons an im seeing more pros then cons lol not to be kissing your ass or anything im just very aware and appreciative of unique individuals = )
thank you (: